Rofling
Officer: It’s the most wonderful time of the year according to Andy Williams.
Unfortunately this timeless message comes in the form of an incredibly
monotonous Christmas song. SPEAKING OF WHICH, welcome to Jooseman and I’s
rundown of some of the worst Christmas songs we could think of, which will be
another part of our Advent Calendar.
Jooseman: So
here we are, reviewing music. I'm possibly the most hypocritical bastard since
PETA tried to make my skin into a coat. After I did the huge rant last week
about how I hate pretty much all music critics for being pretentious fucks, and
now I am doing this myself, thus showing once and for all I am the greatest
person in the universe. Then again, Christmas Music can't really be considered
music anyway, more a guy hammering strawberry jelly into your brain over and
over again. Now on to the first song.
Mistletoe and Wine - Cliff Richard
Joose: Ah
Cliff Richard, that man who at a mention, will instantly cause all women above
the age of 60 to drop their pants and start to masturbate furiously . Every
Christmas he turns up like an annoying wart on a very warty person, to sing in
a voice which sounds as if he has some guy shoving bags of gravel down his
throat, and this song is no different.
The song has the monotone styling's of harmonizing Daleks, as he sings
about wine and mistletoe. He may as well be singing about mistletoe and
incinerating Father Christmas in a furnace for how related those two things
are, it would make a better song anyway. I would make jokes about the video
itself, but him gliding around possibly the most prickish imaginary village
possible is extremely boring to talk about. Then again, he is still releasing
shirtless calendars at seemingly the age of 296 years old, so he must be doing something
right.
RO: Even just thinking about writing these words makes me ill: Cliff
Fucking Richard. Oh Christ(mas)… I can’t take it anymore. I can’t tell you how
much I despise this man, he’s hideous and always was, no matter what he thinks
(by now his ego is so enormous that he has to book an entire train cart to rest
it in), and he’s an appalling and smarmy singer. Hence, one of the worst
Christmas songs of all time: Mistletoe and Wine… Watching this cunt sing the
song is like ripping out each pube one by one with solidified semen, but it
rubs off onto your hands with the pubes and you find out it wasn’t semen all
along, but super glue (I don’t know where I’m going with this, I hate this song
so much). It’s also repetitive to the point of brain trauma, and excruciating
to the point where I have castrated myself through cringing. Christmas Time,
Mistletoe and Wine/ makes me want to commit some crimes/ put Cliff on the fire/
And watch him scream/ A time to rejoice when your PC blue-screens.
8 Days of Christmas - Destiny's Child
Joose: Now
for the biggest ear exploding travesty since I shoved a Tnt fed marmoset into
them. The song has the musical styling's of a dead parrot in a wind machine.
How can anybody listen to this song without very slowly going insane and
systematically commit genocide on anybody who even dares pick up a microphone
to sing. But that's just me thinking about what I would do if I ruled the world.
I wish I did. The video itself is a load of consumer obssessed, scantily clad
women, walking around a shop, buying shit and seemingly giving blowjobs to
cashiers on the side. It's basically the worlds shittest description of
Capitalism ever, like if Karl Marx happened to have a prostitute habit while
writing the Communist Manifesto. But that's an alternate History scenario for
you.
RO: Destiny’s
Child… what have you done? Imagine crossing the Human Centipede with Pretty
Woman, and you get the feeling I get when I listen to this… This truly is the
worst butchering of a classic I’ve ever seen, it’d be like making Bugs Bunny
in!... Schindler’s List or have an appalling girl band make a traditional song
all about being a superficial whore. The singing/rapping/squalling doesn’t
match the music at all, it just makes me imagine the guys recording the music
were hired from the top of the nearest building and mixed the track with
suicidal thoughts going through their head. Truly, the only thing that slightly
redeems this song is Destiny’s Child singing and dancing in incredibly tight
fitting Santa outfits anytime they sing it. An awful Christmas song, but
ironically is truly reflective of what human beings are like, so kudos
Destiny’s Child, you’re geniuses. On the 8th Day of Christmas my Baby Gave to
Me/ a chloroform soaked rag so I can’t fucking sing/On the 7th Day of Christmas
My baby Gave to Me/a knife to my brain and a hrblegrblesrbling… (collapses
dead).
Wonderful Christmastime - Paul
McCartney
Joose: Ah,
Wonderful Christmastime, a song which has so many synthesisers popping out of
it like your intestines after you catch the Ebola virus, but also a song by one
of the greatest musical geniuses of all time, Paul McCartney, yet it still
ended up shitter than a cats litter tray after you force fed it laxatives you
horrible fuck. The song has the lyrical capabilities of a lobotomised dog, as
Paul McCartney sings while sounding half constipated. The video itself is
almost not even worse discussing, as it switches between him singing in a smoke
filled room, which after the song you wish was Carbon Monoxide, and to some
depressed looking families. This is what the musical genius behind songs like
Let it Be and Hey Jude did. I think I'll cry.
RO: Simply
Having a Wonderful Christmas time is one of those songs I feel so bad for. It’s
like if you googled an ex-girlfriend to try and hook up with again now Satan is
in danger of tripping over your standards to find out they’d been committed
after attempting to eat a live rodent: it could have been something special,
but it just tastes of the plague. Paul McCartney is a living British icon, and
one of the greatest musicians of our time, but this song is shit. It barely even
SOUNDS like Paul McCartney; just sounds like a speech synthesiser set to cliché
mode which some guy making beats off of that. Granted, it’s good for dancing to
at Christmas parties, but every other aspect of the song makes it sound quite
reprehensively appalling. I’m afraid to actually attack this song or the artist
as I have so much respect for him, so let’s just leave it at this song is
disappointing drab and plain bad… I can’t do the song lyrics thing for this
one, it’s too depressing…
Last Christmas - Wham
Joose: Last
Christmas, now coming to any shopping centre music player near you, with
nonsensical lyrics, apparently about a butcher giving away any leftovers to
people for Christmas before having his heart broken by you. YOU BASTARD. The
song is played so much at Christmas, you feel like the song would induce an
aneurysm in a deaf person. The song represents what Christmas means, if, for
Christmas, you happened to want to kill any last vestiges of humanity in the
world. I sure do, so why don't you? Also we may be doing something special with
this song.
RO: Wham are
one of those really old boy bands that just seem creepy now that all the
members have grown into grizzled middle aged men, same with people like David
Bowie and the Lockerbie bomber (holy shit). Then again even at the time their
music was shit, and I was born in 1996 for fuck’s sake. This is a prime example
of using Christmas just to choke out another love song that will rake in the
pennies. To quote the great philosopher Adam Levine, “if I hear one more
fuckin’ love song I’ll be sick” Now I’m at a payphone… writing this down for
you all to read you lucky bastards, and it just occurred to me that I don’t
hate this song as much as I think I do, because this Friday I’ll be singing it
for you ,you lucky shits! Check the channel for that. Anyway: the song is
drearily boring and predictable, and it’s nothing you haven’t heard a billion
times before in other better and worse songs. It’s a popcorn song; nothing
brand new and exciting, just something you stick on at tedious get togethers to
delay the inevitable realisation that we’re all going to die (possibly on the
21st of December [note to morons, this won’t happen]). Good for white noise,
but little else. Last Christmas, I ripped out my heart/Then the very next day/I
gave it to you/This year, to save me from jail/I’ll keep to my restraining
order, order…
Fairytale of New York -
The Pogues and Kirsty MacColl
Joose:
Finally a good Christmas song, and one of the few which can keep me sane around
Christmas time. I don't know why, it just seems to sum up mine, and the rest of
Britain's (yes it's a British song, not an Irish song, I can rant with you
about it if you want, but that's not funny, you humourless arsehole. Please go
jump into a pit of burning Komodo Dragons) spirit around Christmas time. It
just warms my heart... as much as you can warm the darkness of space, to hear
me represented in a song. Because it is about me, and anybody who disagrees is
a dirty, stinking liar. Also Shane MacGowan looks like a rat who has had his
face imploded into itself, while under attack by a shovel, but t'songs still
good.
RO: At the beginning of the end, here is my
favourite Christmas song: A Fairytale of New York, a bitterly cynical and
refreshing story in the guise of a Christmas song. Listen to the chorus and you
might be forgiven for mistaking it to be a happy feelgood song, but in reality
it’s about a break up, Taylor Swift style (not really). The tune is great, and
Kirsty McColl is a good singer. Shame about the Pogues singer sounding like
they pulled in a random drunken homeless man in mid shitting stance to record
his lines, but overall it’s a fantastic song and is the recipe for a wonderful
Christmas time. There really isn’t much I can say to entertain myself, never
mind you, so check that song out, it's really really good! Enjoy.
Joose: And
now time for song of the year. Which song will it be, oooh ahhhh, you already
fucking know as you'll have read below, so here it is.
Call me Maybe - Carly Rae Jepsen
Joose: If
there was one song which deserves to be archived by congress and stored in the
Smithsonian for later generations, it is this song. It is really the greatest
use of human creativeness since the paining of the Sistine Chapel. Is it bad
that I'm only being slightly ironic here, I liked this song so ironically that
it has come round to being fucking amazing, and I actually love it now. I'm confused.
It's much better than most Modern Pop.
I don't know
what the best song would be if you want a non Modern Pop song, . I still stand by Call me Maybe being song of the year, if not the
fucking decade though. And if anybody disagrees, please go lubricate your head
and shove it up a dogs shitter.
RO:
Here's our favourite song of the year. And it is… Call Me Maybe by Carly Rae
Jepsen! When Jooseman suggested this, I thought he was speaking ironically, as
it seems like the kind of song he despises, full of feelings of love and warmth
and a woman getting soap all over her (no complaints from him about the topless
man however), but no, he was serious. And so am I, this song is ludicrously
catchy, like a baseball glove crossed with a catch on a door (Most Trippy
Analogy 2012?), and it has one of the best endings to a song I’ve ever see (I’m
talking about where the guy turns out to be gay and she has the best facial
expression I’ve ever seen). Relentlessly addictive, hilarious, and actually a
pretty excellent spoof, probably the year’s best (unless I remember another
song from this year that was really good, I can’t think of too many at the moment)
Listen to this on the strike on Midnight on the 31st of December, and
magically, a new year will begin. Merry Christmas! Hey, I just met you/And this
is crazy/But we used no condom/So here’s your baby.
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