Prometheus
Jooseman: Prometheus, bloody Prometheus. The
thought that I willingly paid money to money to see this armadillos shit of a
film fills me full of fucking anger. This film, while not the worst of 2012 by
any means, because if you think this film is worse than fucking Wrath of the
Titans, please voluntarily go to the nearest suicide clinic. Anyway, now we've
got the pleasantries out of the way, onto the main part. This film sucked so
much cock it suffered stomach rupture due to the amount of cum it was
swallowing. This film had plot with the structure of a building which has
foundations made of biscuit wafers. It starts with two people finding some cave
paintings in a really surprising location, a chocolate factory... I mean a
cave. They then automatically realise these cave paintings are a map to
somewhere, because they two people have at some point in the past had their
brains replaced by a fucking sat nav. So Future Indiana Jones and his
significant other head off to this planet on a spaceship because some dead
billionaire believes this quest isn't crazy... and I'm Superman. On this
spaceship they meet the other people will be joining them, including Hells
Angels Geologist, Pudding for Brains Biologist, Uptight Porno Secretary
Charlize Theron, two random pilots who get 5 lines and die, and Idris Elba, who
is fucking awesome. Also there is David, an awesome android, apparently played
by me.
So they mill
about on this planet for a while like they own the place for a while,
constantly doing things to nearly get themselves killed and one does, at the
same time as impregnating a sterile woman, because fuck logic, grow aliens.
This brings me to the main problem with the film, the most exciting part comes
from a fucking Caesarean. If, in a Sci-Fi action film, your most exciting part
is a Caesarean, then your plot is about as interesting as a painted brick wall.
It was an exciting fucking Caesarean,
and that scene was done well, but still, you have the writing capabilities of a
monkey in a dishwasher. So then we find out Dead Billionaire is actually alive,
and is in fact Rupert Murdoch wanting to live forever. So they mill about for a
while, find out the planet Is actually a military testing ground for the
Engineers, which is like the US government making maps to Los Alamos during the
Manhattan project, a shit ending happens, people die and the woman leaves with
the head of David. Also then the most lacklustre chest burst ever happens,
perhaps the Alien was just feeling bored that morning. The film plot can be
described as , Future Indiana Jones and the Quest for the Tentacle Porn.
RO: Fucking hell he wrote a lot. I don't have as much
animosity towards this film as he does, probably because I just borrowed the
DVD and watched it, whereas he paid actually money to see this piece of shit...
First off, let's get the good out of the way: I really, really like the
opening; it gives me a great feeling of journeying into the unknown, and the
writing portrays the mystery of it quite well. The special effects were also
very, very nice, particularly in the appalling climax (OK that was a little
backhanded). Oh and as Jooseman stated above, that scene with the
Caesarian/abortion was fucking intense and terrifying, very well done there Mr
Scott. However, despite these things: this is the worst film I've seen this
year. Yes, yes, there is far worse crap out there, but still, watching this
piece of shit is like eating a computer monitor, garnished with lashings of hot
vomit. And the monitor is made from a septic tank. And the septic tank was full
of copies of the Human Centipede.
OK reasons
at last: the characters are the dumbest, dumbest morons who ever managed to
find out which were their arses and which were their elbows. How this idiots
ever became scientists is totally unbelievable, unless there was a gas leak in
the cryo-pod things and they all got brain damage. I'm not even being facetious,
I literally expected that retard biologist to say something like "I like
plants, they.. very... goood harblegribblehblrhfn..." and then falls over
dead. Douchebag. There's one scene where the biologist and this other guy meet
an unknown and obviously hostile alien lifeform. The thing looks like a king
cobra crossed with an elephant penis, and it even starts hissing at them, so
what does the biologist do? He goes over to it making "awww" noises
and tries to stroke it. Suffice to say, it attacks and kills him, and the guy
has the infuriating arrogance to seem shocked and scared. The characters are
that stupid, and it's almost impossible to watch as a result.
Another thing that makes this film terrible
are the character arcs. There aren't any. The nadir of this is Charlize
Theron's character, who starts as a bitch, then gets crushed to death, while
still a bitch. The main character's attitudes do change, but only because she
had an abortion, and the end of her arc is total bullshit. The ending overall
is one giant cockslap, there is nothing satisfying about it other than the fact
that so many characters die. I think I'll close by saying that the Doctor Who
episode "The Waters of Mars" was very similar to this film, but
infinitely better, cheaper to make and cheaper to watch. Go watch that right
now, Prometheus fans, and tell me how wrong I'm not... (I wrote shit loads too)
Avengers
RO: I will be the only one reviewing this, mainly because
like another couple of people in the world, my partner hasn't seen this film.
Right, first off before I start this I want to say I enjoyed this movie.
Whatever you take away from this little review thing don't let it be that this
film is bad. It's just not good. It's enjoyable, nothing more and nothing less.
It's the film equivalent of a fireworks display, lots of colour and flash but
with nothing else to it. Unlike the Dark Knight Saga there's no themes, no
complex characters or real story to speak of. It's just a bunch of superheroes
trying to stop the supervillain using his super evil powers to take over the
world. Which is fine, I mean I enjoyed Independence Day even though it had an
incredibly basic plot for the most part, because of the awesome explosions and
fighting, and I enjoy the Avengers because all it is one big excuse to show
explosions and amazing fight scenes. BUT YOU SHUT THE FUCK UP IF YOU THINK THIS
IS A GREAT MOVIE. I've heard it described as the best superhero film of all
time. Fuck. That. The Dark Knight is a billion billion times better on every single
level. This isn't even a good movie, the villain is a stock, one dimensional
douche bag who it's easier to laugh at than to be intimidated by. He's not even
that unlikeable, he's just cute. That scene where he gets the German people to
bow to him was hilariously bad, not only because of the amount of cliches
involved but also because of how silly it all is.
There is no
plot, the extent is that: Loki is coming with an army, Loki is here, fight
Loki, defeat Loki. That's it, there is literally nothing else. It's just one
big excuse for an enormous fight scene. Which, I state again, is fine, but
don't. you. dare. try to tell me that this is a great movie. Go fuck yourself.
It's enjoyable enough, but there are no characters, no plot, no themes, nothing
to ponder, nothing that defies conventions. It's just there to exist to make
money and entertain you. So please, never defend this movie or try to compare
it to any of Nolan's Batmen, it doesn't hold a candle. It doesn't even hold a
candle to Superman Fucking II... so there you go. No this wasn't very funny, I
know, but I don't care, this point had to be made.
Skyfall
Joose: There
is honestly not much to say Skyfall at all. really, the plot is very basic
James Bond except with a huge twist at the end, which was interesting. The main
point is that the film is much, much better than Quantum of Solace, in which
the bad guy wanted to made a South American country pay more money for water.
The action scenes where good in this, except the fight scene at the top of the neon
lit hotel room, which looked like they had just started a fight in an
obnoxiously dark strip club.
The Main
thing I want to talk about is the Villain, who is altogether pretty shit. They
could have replaced the bad guy with a fucking stick, and it would make no
difference. The bad guy was essentially a bipolar, psychotic, children's TV
character in his personality. At some point in the fim he switches from expert
hacker to "rargh rargh I'm gonna shoot you up" personality for no
reason, like in between scenes they switched his brains with Raoul Moat after
shoving them through a blender. His character barely develops, and his only
point seems to be to develop M's character, which, to be honest, works. The
main point of the movie was M and her character development, up until the
amazing climax. Too sum this movie up, in most years, this would be the film of
the year if it wasn't for these next two movies, I have no huge criticism about
the film except the bad guy, but I can't think of huge holy shit standout
moments like the next films, so I have nothing to talk about, and this wasn't
funny, so I'll just do a little dance *pretend to see dancing*
RO: He said everything there is to say about Skyfall
really, it's a great movie, go watch it. Oh and that climax was amazing...
The Hobbit
Joose: Ah the Hobbit, the film I have
literally waited 9 years for. To be fair, I've probably waited even longer than
that, considering that this book is my favourite book ever, it's so good I
can't even think of an analogy to talk about how good it is. Combine a
favourite book with the fact that the Lord of the RIngs films are also my
favourite films ever, and you get as much expectation as you may from the 2nd
Coming. I was waiting for this film for so, so long, and does it meet my expectations
of it? Yes and No.
First off
the plot, and the plot should be known to you by now considering this book is
from the fucking 30's, if you don't know the plot of this by now go and pick up
a book you uneducated fucks. Basically though, this sums up the first part of
the journey itself, going from The Shire, to the entrance of Mirkwood, as
Thorin and his company (+Bilbo) go to reclaim Erebor, while being chased by
Magical Plot Orc, the most magical of all the Orcs, who didn't appear in the
book. All around, the journey seems to so far be epic, like a road trip to go
pick up Prostitutes and become a billionaire, however there are criticisms.
First, the
characters, they are about as memorable as that one guy in Titanic who got
picked up by a lifeboat and lived the rest of his life a normal person. I'm
mainly talking about the dwarves here, it's obvious you could pick out Gandalf
from a crowd even if he was stark naked and wearing camouflage. There are only
5 that you can both remember the names of, and who they are in the film.
Thorin, obviously, and if you can't tell who he is, please go have your eyes
ripped out by pliers, then Kili and Fili, Bombur who is the one who looks like
he's been inflated by a tyre pump which was pumping Big Macs, and Gloin. The
rest, while they can be named, I couldn't tell you who plays who, which is
slightly annoying. Another problem with some of the characters is that some
look older than they do in The Lord of the Rings, which makes me suspect that
Gandalf discovered the time machine.
There is one
character, specifically I wish to talk about, and that is Radagast. Yes you
expect comedy in the Hobbit, as its based off a children's book and is slightly
light hearted, but Radagast's personality belongs in the film like an orthodox Jew
belongs in pornography. His character is awful, the effect of see the
Necromancer/Sauron in Dol Guldur (incidentally the ruins are played by
Harenhall from A Song of Ice and Fire) is completely ruined when the guy tries
to get away on a fucking sledge pulled by Rabbits. Jesus, could you imagine in
Saving Private Ryan the storming the beaches of Normandy is re-enacted by
Squirrels. And then there is the chase scene by the orcs for him, which is
essentially something out of Scooby Doo. Also how the fuck did he get to
Gandalf so quickly across the mountains, while it took the dwarves so much
hassle? Imagine if in the Battle of the Blackwater in Game of Thrones, when
Stannis' men start playing drums, they all burst out into Phil Collins. If he
was just used for comic relief I would be less annoyed but still annoyed, he
just annoys me so much because he acts comical while making serious points. Yes
I understand his character is supposed to be slightly like this (he's not in
the books) but it's still over the top for laughs.
Finally, the
48FPS thing. I don't understand at all why this made people sick, at the start
it makes everything sped up like they are all characters in a silent comedy,
but you get used to it and while it can make things seem too real, and so the
CGI doesn't seem as good, it wasn't bad like people said, and it does seem like
the future of cinema. Anyway, that's the end of what I have to say about The
Hobbit, this film was amazing, and you will see why it didn't get my film of
the year soon, but I now can't wait until the next parts, Beorn will be amazing
and I really, really want to see The Battle of the 5 Armies.
Dark Knight Rises
Joose: So it comes down to this as the Film
of the Year. It was not an easy pick, after seeing the behemoth of the Hobbit,
which is possible the greatest use of words ever, but after a large fight which
involved much bloodshed, and at one point, sex, The Dark Knight Rises came out
the Victor, and Batman is once again the champion, because he's the hero this
post deserves.
So, first
off, was this film as good as The Dark Knight? Answer, no, obviously not, and
if you do go get your head checked out for accidental decapitation please. This
film is nowhere near as good as The Dark Knight, which is obvious, because The
Dark Knight is like a God amongst men if the films were men and this analogy
wasn't shit. When I say everything about this film is like pig shit to The Dark
Knight, villain and all, it's not criticising this film, it's glorifying the
other, for example while Bane is an awesome character, Heath Ledgers Joker was
possibly one of the greatest movie villains ever portrayed ever, even better
than Super Awesome MegaVillain, in Transformers: The War for George Bush's
Brain, the film which will be released in cinemas never. This doesn't prevent
Bane being a bad ass, especially with his voice as he gives out bad ass
speeches like an automatic speech making machine... with a gun.
Yes I have criticism
with this film, there are major plot holes I do not wish to spoil, because I
would rather you watched this film and experienced its awesome power properly.
There is also the fact that Batman still has his one liners which are so shit
they appear to have been pulled out of a Donkeys arse. Leave the one liners at
home, Mr Wayne. Also Alfred seems to go on a holiday half way through and is
barely ever mentioned again until the end, so it leaves you feeling he left for
Dignitas, until he shows up again, which ruins that joke, and I'm a bad man.
The film
does so much right though, the entire plot is amazing filled with awesome set
pieces especially one charge at the end I won't tell you any more about, the characters
are fucking bad ass, the entire thing is just so good. Christopher Nolan, you
bloody well did it again... and now you're teaming up with Zack "Sucker
Punch Cunt" Snyder for a film about possibly the shittest Superhero with
an allergy to Kryptonite ever, and I feel that it will be lacklustre and disappointing.
Why, just why?
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